A letter to Vinaina Kalokalo

Place: "Somewhere dark"

Time:   "Too early"

Date:   "That dreadful day of shame"

Dearest Vinaina Kalokalo,

How are you? Please don't laugh at how I have started with my letter to you. The letter i am writing to you reminds me of the "love letters" I used to receive when I was in school by the boys from that terrible terrible school (mind you I am no longer a fan of that school)...they used to write like this...it was always written in this format- no harm in replicating that, right? I don't know why I am copying that style, because this is not really a love- letter😢. On the contrary, I am hoping that it would make you smile and make it slightly easier for you to read this. 

Do you remember me? Do you still remember the first time we met? I saw fear and shame in your eyes, you remember that?

I write to you after so many years, more than 30 years to be exact- and the reason why I am reaching out to you now is quite selfish, to be honest. I am writing to ask for your forgiveness. I am writing to make amends.  

I am sorry for not appreciating you, understanding you, and valuing your history and identity. I don't know how shame was associated with something so beautiful and rich. 

It's bittersweet and strange to feel this now- a little too late it seems, but perhaps this could help both of us grow and bloom into what we were destined to be. I have started talking more about you and bringing your name up very casually in some conversations while being cautious at the same time as I am reminded of the shame and humiliation I felt hearing your name. I didn't think you would bring value to my life. Oh, how wrong I was to think that!

I am saddened and upset with myself that I didn't get the chance to ask 'her' why she decided to call you 'Vinaina'. 

Actually, not too long ago, to deal with my guilt, I decided to romanticize your name 'Kalokalo'. I suppose that was my way of trying to see the 'cool' side of your name and overcoming fear and shame, but that was when it dawned on me- I only used you when I felt like it. That realisation wasn't a nice feeling at all. Through this process, I decided to ask some very uncomfortable questions and wondered how different the world would have been if I accepted you as you. Do you think you would have been happier? 

"What am I to you?", is a question that we as Pacific people often ask when we are trying to make a connection to the people, to the land, skies, and ocean- recognizing that we all have a 'place' in our home and country. 

So I will flip that around and ask "what am I without you?" and my one-word answer to this is "Nothing". I am nothing without you. Because "what you are to me" is more than just an identity, it's about belonging, history, connection and ties to my people, to the land, skies, and ocean- it's about being "home". 

Kalo, I am sorry for not giving you the respect that you truly deserved. You are deserving of that and so much more. I am here because of the many women named 'Vinaina Kalokalo' who have come before me, I am strong because of you! I am here because of you. 

I seek your forgiveness Kalo. 

I'm sorry Kalo for denying your rightful place in my life journey, my identity, my history, and in my being. 

I acknowledge you, and while I can't make the past any better, I know I can make the present and my future life journey with you one that is of respect, learning, growth, appreciation, love, and pride.

Dear Vinaina Kalokalo, thank you for being my first recorded identity, my connection to our ancestors, to our land, and the stars.

You have been a source of light for our people. Thank you for allowing me to be part of your story and life journey. 

Perhaps one day, someone will mention your name that's intricately intertwined with mine, and say it with pride, love, and respect. Something that should have been rightfully accorded to you from the very beginning.  

With love

xxxx