Lost loves and a broken heart

A distinction must be made between that writing which enables us to hold on to life even as we are clinging to old hurts and wounds and that writing which offers to us a space where we are able to confront reality in such a way that we live more fully. Such writing is not an anchor that we mistakenly cling to so as not to drown. It is writing that truly rescues, that enables us to reach the shore, to recover.

bell hooks  (bell hooks (2013). “Remembered rapture: the writer at work”, p.11, Henry Holt and Company)

It has been a while since I last wrote. Writing used to be my go-to my place when life and mind was chaotic. It was my healing place. So here I am, letting my mind do its thing while I just type away and see where this takes me...takes us…

Writing offered me an escape, provided me immediate solace and gently quietened my mind. But over the years, I have found that all this became too unbearable and I no longer held the power to ‘neatly’ pack these thoughts, broken heart, grief, loss and trauma back into its boxes.

In the past, I created confusion for myself by writing things down from the other persons perspective- to understand their actions instead of acknowledging and respecting my feelings, and what I was going through- these further complicated things for me especially when it was time to face the real me -with all my trauma, pain and loss greeting me with “it’s time to deal with us- we are no longer going to be packed away”.

Over the years, I have dealt and experienced many losses- the way I experience loss is far greater than what a ‘normal person’ experiences. I grieve for years... and the pain is as raw as when it happened. I grieve for things that happens in movies, in another country, in what I read, what I see, what I feel- I grieve because of extinction and mass killing of people and our ecosystem, I grieve for other people's losses including in my own life. I am not trying to stand out here nor am I trying to be different, but it’s an actual fact. I have not known any other way to deal with losses and deaths except for feeling it all so intensely and deeply.  I avoid movies that are triggering, I remove myself from spaces that break me, I excuse myself from social settings and ‘hide away’. Broken promises cut me deep and I lock myself up, away from everyone for days/weeks. A casual, “I will call you, lets catch up, or I will make you this…” type of statements, is stamped in my heart of expectations, waiting…waiting for the day when that will/would happen. And when these promises or casual statements and words turn into days, into weeks and years- I pack these words up and turn them into memories and pack them away- while my heart is left hurting.

Losing loved ones, broken relationships, loss of friendships and relationships, and broken promises take away so much from me that I struggle to function like a normal human. These losses become too unbearable.

I have lost many loved ones, whether through death, breakups, misunderstandings and or broken relationships but the ‘what ifs’ continue to play itself out- the voices in my head have become too much, too loud and too fast for my poor skinny fingers to keep up...especially with writing them down, and in making sense of them. It used to be very therapeutic and healing but it stopped being that because I refused to let go. I found that over time, I was taking on other people’s guilt, their poor choices, their pain and energy and made it mine…while they continued on towards their pursuit of happiness!

Now, I am on an interesting path and journey. I am being provided with new tools together with the ‘right people’, and ‘relationships’ have been placed along this new exciting path- to accompany me, and help me deal with life, to deal with losses and grief, to let go and fall in love with things that once offered me love, peace and solace.

I still find relationships not working out to be quite a traumatic experience, and my poor little broken heart (literally) still finds it hard it overcome or deal with losses- but slowly slowly I can see the light at the end of this dark room. Largely due to the people who have remained and those who have just entered my life and continued to be a beacon of light for me...they have remained bright for me!

I know we are all on different life paths and that is perfectly ok. I am just learning to be ok with it. I am rediscovering life, and learning to deal with grief, loss, pain and trauma as an adult loving and kind Veena. The world needs more love and kindness- I wish many had the courage, privilege and opportunity to be able to reset and have another go at ‘living life’. I am one of the blessed ones to be given this chance. I am counting my blessings!